Coming out of my shell(fish)

I’ve always had bad allergies. Always. And growing up on a farm in Iowa, once harvest-time came around my nose would turn into a faucet, my skin would break out in hives and my eyes would turn into itchy, red balls of fire. Pretty nice, huh? And I blame this all on my Dad, of course, who has always been a walking ad campaign for seasonal allergy relief. Once fall would come around, he and I would become the handkerchief twins. Sneezy and Wheezy.

And it wasn’t just seasonal allergies, but my Dad also had severe reactions to all kinds of shellfish. And after numerous attempts at eating fresh Gulf shrimp on our annual beach vacations growing up, and all ending with me extremely sick, it was concluded that I inherited his shellfish allergy as well. And this is something my shrimp-loving husband has been wrestling with for the past ten years, always looking into seafood restaurants with longing eyes and begrudgingly packing my extra food when we would attend low country boils.

But then something happened when we became residents of the dirty south nearly seven years ago. We not only left all our beloved friends and family up north, but we also seemed to leave some of my allergies. And for the first time ever, I was able to stop and smell the flowers without sneezing my brains out. And run through the autumn foliage without taking breaks to blow my nose. It was heavenly! I was able to ENJOY the changing of the seasons, and looked forward to stocking up on shorts and t-shirts instead of making sure my medicine cabinet was full of pills and nasal sprays.

But don’t get too happy here, readers. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Because apparently it takes our systems between five and six years to acclimate to a new region’s environment. Meaning after five years of being Kleenex-free, my system rebooted and my new southern, seasonal allergies reappeared and sucker-punched me in the face. And after a particularly crippling spring this year, I finally pulled the trigger and made my first appointment at an allergist.

And I don’t know how many of you have ever been to an allergist, but the initial visit is about as fun as driving through Nebraska with a screaming baby in the backseat. Long, boring and painful. They stick you and inject you with about a million different allergens and common substances in order to find out how your body reacts to them. And while I was itching like crazy with a few trees and grass species, I was completely cool with all the seafood and shellfish tests. Didn’t react to them at all. Which was weird, because the last time I accidentally ate something with crabmeat in it, my throat started closing up. And after explaining this to my doctor, he decided to take a blood sample and have it sent off to wherever they send blood to in order to make sure I really was allergic. Just to make sure I wasn’t FAKING this whole shellfish allergy. Yeah, like I’m THAT good at acting.

And guess what? My blood said that I was NOT allergic to shellfish. And I was all, LIAR. My Dad is. My sister is starting to have reactions. And it makes me SICK. I am just not able to eat shellfish. So go check your information again and call me back when the answer is I AM ALLERGIC. And so they double-checked and my blood continued to say, Hey, eat some lobster. It’s really, really good!

So that’s what I did. Kinda. Yesterday I blocked off a half day to bring in some shellfish and eat it in front of them. I’m not kidding. Yesterday morning I had to roll out of bed and walk into a doctor’s office and gag down shrimp for breakfast. Oh. And the kicker had to be that I brought in raw shrimp, because I’m stupid, and so one of the nurses had to steam it in the microwave. Doesn’t that sound good? Nuked shrimp for breakfast? And after she cooked them, the entire office smelled like a seafood counter, and for the rest of the visit I was referred to as The One Who Made The Office Stink.

So the test went like this - Rub some shrimp on my lips and wait 20 minutes. If I’m still alive, then make me eat a little and wait 20 minutes. Then eat a little more and wait. And so on and so on until I had to eat a whole shrimp. All while they are checking my vitals in between me gagging down portions.

The whole process took four hours. FOUR. HOURS. In a doctor’s office. Resulting in me reading through five back-issues of Highlights and mastering the highest score in the world in Tetris on my phone. But you want to know what DIDN’T happen? I didn’t get sick and my throat didn’t close up. Other than almost barfing each time I ate a microwaved morsel, my body didn’t react at all. NOTHING. And 20 minutes after eating the final shrimp and checking my vitals, my doctor looked at me with one of those I Told You So looks and said, Well, it looks like you are NOT allergic to shellfish. And I was all, Huh? But I get SICK every other time. And he was all, It might just be in your head. Now, stop being a faker and go order some Bang Bang Shrimp at Bonefish.

And after telling Chris the final verdict, he jumped around like a kid at Christmas, shouting out all the places he wanted to eat and wonderful shellfish dishes he would order for me. And CRAB LEGS! You can have some crab legs. And you can have LOBSTER. It’s the best stuff in the entire world. Maybe I can make you some scallops this weekend. Or oysters! OYSTERS!

And even with all the enthusiasm I’m getting from all sides about my new life that includes shellfish, I’m still super hesitant to dig into a bowl of gumbo or crack open a crab leg. Which is probably because I had to eat microwaved shrimp for breakfast during a four-hour doctor’s office visit yesterday. But here I am, 24 hours later and not a hive in sight. I’m on my way to becoming a converted shellfish lover, former allergic-reaction faker. Do you think they have support groups out there for this?